Different than expected

I know that sometimes things turn out differently than how you imagine. This year the changes keep coming – one blast after another.

I was supposed to go to Japan. I’ve been accepted by a school to teach English at elementary/high school half a year ago. I’ve been preparing myself, going through online training and then in the end of January a sudden message came. I haven’t obtained Certificage of Eligibility, a document necessary for application for visa.

That hit me hard, breaking my dream into pieces. A couple of months later I am accepting a job I didn’t want to do at all. But for a completely different reason. What the hell is happening?

Foremost I feel acceptance of my older self who resented this type of job. Who didn’t want to do it out of spite. Maybe it’s an extreme way to do it, but you will never know if you like something or not unless you try it.

It is interesting how our visions can change. In highschool I have seen myself as being successful in a company, being a manager, whatsoever. After uni this has changed abruptly. I’ve felt as being manipulated into it. It seemed to be the ideal job for me – according to everyone around me.

The last year in uni was critical. I have changed in many ways. I’ve punished myself to proove others wrong without people really noticing what I was actually going through. I barely understood it myself. Slowly I came to understand that I am the only person who is going to care, whom I can satisfy. The others will not care about results or say it’s not enough. Of course it’s not black and white, there definitely are people who care about us, but deep inside only we understand. Craziest thing is that we understand it from the very beginning, but we’re not listening. Will we ever learn? It took me a long time to realize it. I guess at that point I was just somewhere on the bottom of an ocean, trying anything to get back to see the sun.

Now I am doing this for myself. I am happy I took this job, even though I feel the tiny aches in my heart. But maybe it’s not always about what we want. Maybe a boring job will bring more creativity in my life. Or maybe I will realize something completely different. Time will show.

Maybe I was just afraid that I will like it in the end. I didn’t want to become a part of this, if you know what I mean. However, as long as we’re having fun, does it matter?

Plans or no plans, results are the same. But I’m not giving up. It might take me more time to get where I want... and sometimes... Universe just has different plans for you.